Faith Over Fear and the Difference of a Year

One year ago.

One year ago today (24 May) I decided to revamp my blog and start "Inside the Soul of Darkness."  I stepped out of myself today to really take in and wrap my head around the differences of where I was vs. where I am currently.  For me personally, everything I am experiencing right now and where I am is all due to the mercy and love of God.  Now if you don't believe that, that's fine.  But this is my blog and he is my God and very real to me.  It is all because of him that I am where I am today.


One year ago, I had no job (except the small part-time jobs I held to make it by). I often wondered if I'd be able to eat, I lived in constant fear of what would happen financially or physically.  I went through each day just wondering if I'd be able to pay bills or what bills I would have to put off in order to eat.  I suffered from depression and was an emotional wreck. 

One year later, I am gainfully employed by the United States Navy as received a commission as a Naval Officer on 16 April 2010 (HOOYAH!).  I don't wonder if I'll be able to eat (now its just when ha), I don't worry about the future anymore.  That's not only due to the change in my situation, but due to the fact that worrying does nothing but make you age and drive you crazy.  Why worry about things that are out of your control?  Believe and have faith and step forward, for faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see.  I don't worry about paychecks and am slowly trying to repair my financial situation.  I have an awesome roof over my bed, even if all my stuff is still in Colorado, I still get 3 hots and a cot.  I've learned to not let my emotions control me in tough situations and have grown mentally tougher, if you will.  That was most definitely a product of OCS, where many, many times you didn't have time to react to a situation or command.  You had to execute and execute correctly the first time.  Emotions do nothing but cause more problems and waste time. 


In the midst of all that turmoil, it seemed like it would never come to an end.  Now I look back at it and everyday I am in complete disbelief at the opportunity that I've been given with my life.  Standing on the Naval base here and realizing that I have been trusted with great responsibility, and I haven't even begun to scratch the surface yet.  Never would I have thought in college that this is the path that my life would take and yet I get up everyday excited as hell to see what I get to learn and/or see.  I know fully well that I am not out of the clear completely yet.  I know the road I am on currently is one that is very difficult and riddled with storms, but I feel more prepared now in my life than I ever have been, to take on any challenge thrown at me......even learning to fly a plane for the world's greatest military and Navy, and being humble about it at the same time.  


Even when it seems completely bleak and you are by yourself, focus not on what your eyes can see, because even they lie to you.  Focus and take that imaginary step into the future.  Dare yourself to walk forward while thinking positively and slamming out the negative.  D0 that and watch your situation begin to turn around and your mood lighten.  This too shall pass and what awaits you after this trial period is over is much better than you can imagine.  

I look forward everyday to what is going to happen next.  Getting into OCS, getting through OCS, earning my commission, and getting down here to Pensacola were challenges in and of themselves.  I know what awaits me is going to be harder than what I encountered one year ago, and anyone reading this has to understand that.  Getting through one storm or one trial is a good thing, but is there to make you stronger for the next one that will come.  


So now, lets see where I end up one year from today.  I invite you to follow with me and keep a journal of your own path.  Whether you're going through or having a great life, start chronicling your life and its memories.  As cliche as it is, you will be surprised at what a difference a year makes. 


Until next time,


Darkness

The Struggle of Perseverance

First, I've been waiting a VERY long time to write this next post.  Mainly because I've been waiting on some things to fall into place before I wrote it and it had to be the appropriate time in order to deliver it as well.  As we begin to close out 2009 and welcome 2010, I can't help but feel 2010 has to be better than 2009 and 2008 combined.  I remember NYE 2008 being in Chicago and other people echoing the sentiment that 2008 pretty much sucked.  With that, I strolled into 2009 thinking it was going to be different and to be honest, it was, but not in the way that I would've expected. 

As cliche as it sounds, it really is amazing how much of a difference just one year makes.  I'm not going to recap 2009 as most everyone who reads this already knows the hell and crap I went through on a constant, never-ending basis.  However, I can say that I am walking away from 2009 with a greater awareness of myself and what I want out of life.  Also having grown stronger in personal areas such as mental and emotional strength, perseverance, fortitude, and better understanding of my faith in God, etc.  It was a very tough year and the entire journey is something that I hope I never have to go through in that magnitude ever again.  I spent 11 out of 12 months of 2009 in one of the hardest processes that I've ever been through in my life, much tougher than getting into Michigan or Grad School at CU, or any job for that matter.  I've never worked harder in my life just to prove that I have what it takes in order to granted a spot in any job or position.  This taught me that not only with God is anything possible, but that even in your darkest hour and your weakest point, your goals will keep you motivated to do the unimaginable.  I clung to a quote that said "Never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about."  Truer words have never been said.  When I began my application process to the Navy last February, I never in my wildest dreams pictured myself to be getting ready and training in order to leave for Naval Officer Candidate School in another month with the hope of being able to commission and then make my way through Flight School successfully to become a Naval Pilot.  *Sidebar: On 24 January is when I start OCS and that is the exact day +/- a day that I lost my job last year.*

That still to this day baffles me and how on earth the Navy decided that I had what it took amongst all the stiff competition I had is beyond me.  But I know one thing is for sure.....I'm ready.

My last job left me with a false sense of how things work due to many of the (negative) attitudes that I encountered there.  It left me feeling like nothing.  My application to the Navy gave me something to grab ahold of and chase the entire time.  It was the most ridiculous process ever, but it was worth every minute and second that I poured into it.  After a full year of being unemployed and now (*here is the new news*) as I sit here as one of those FINAL SELECTED officer candidates to attend Officer Candidate School, I have had lots and lots of time to think about what exactly I was applying to do and where I wanted to take my life.  As I said, I've grown alot in the past 11-12 months and I'm ready to take what I've learned and apply to the new path that I'm getting ready to start running down.  My past is exactly that and I'm only looking forward at what is coming. 

So what are these things I've come to learn and grow from?  Here....

a. NOTHING is EVER guaranteed to you.  Nothing.

b. People will smile in your face and stab you in the back at the same time. 

c. If you're not happy with the way your life is going, then change it.

d. Don't expect other people to have sympathy or feel bad for you.

e. Showing emotion in certain situations is good, but other times it shows weakness.  Be mindful of where you choose to wear your heart on your sleeve.

f. The only person who has your best interests at heart is YOU.

g. Sometimes the only thing you have to hold on to is your will to stay with a goal longer than anyone else.

h. Given the chance, most people (usually not friends) will turn their back on you and throw you under the bus if it means that the heat is taken off them.

i. Don't allow others stupidity or worry to throw you off track.

j. Stop worrying about stuff that is out of your control.

k. Whatever you want out of life, go for it.

l. Anything worth having, is worth working (HARD) for....

That's only a sample but you get the picture.  You would think some of these are common sense, but oftentimes its easy to forget and get caught up in the hustle and bustle of everyday life, or be swept in by someone with a kind demeanor and nice smile.  Everything I've learned and gone through over the past year is now nothing but a testament to the strength that is inside of me to keep fighting for what I believe and what I want, no matter what the odds are.

I definitely know the journey i'm about to embark upon is not going to be one that is easy at all, but I feel much more prepared for the twists and turns that lie ahead now than if I had never gone through this wilderness journey over the past year.  So I say all that to say this, the struggle of perseverance can be one hell of battle.  As a friend of mine once told me, perseverance doesn't consist of one long journey, but several smaller ones added together.  Sticking with my goal and dream of getting into the Navy has been extremely hard but rewarding and I know it will only get harder, but this was the first step in a new direction.  Anyone can just up and quit or find something else, but I like the idea of challenging myself and mainly to see just how far I can push myself until I break.  There were times when I came deathly close to breaking, but I had to just keep going.  Hour by hour, day by day, week by week, and month by month.  By no means am I all good or out of the woods yet, but as I said, my journey as I begin to look and move forward is made that much easier by the experiences I have now under my belt to fall back upon.  Use your past experiences to make you stronger but don't latch onto them so hard that they cause you to freeze.

You'll only truly know what you're made of and how much you can take until you're taken out of your comfort zone and forced to adapt to something that you're not used to at all.  ONLY UNTIL THAT POINT, will you really know how much you can handle and how much you're willing to just push through. 

We will see how much more I can handle and if I have the cajones to continue to push through these next upcoming months....

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Happy New Year. 

Until 2010....

Darkness

The levees are breaking...

If there is one thing that has been an ever present factor in my life over the past 6+ months, it has been learning the art of patience and the stress of anxiety. Patience is a dangerous thing......if you don't have it. Praying for patience will only lead to more stressful situations that test your patience and allow it to grow, or at least that's supposed to be the goal. Now, couple that with anxiety over what's to come possibly and you have one giant mega-test of patience coming your way. This test of sorts has caused my life in many ways to be one giant glass case of emotion (+10 points for guessing that movie).

If you had asked me a few months ago what the cause of more anxiety was and which one led me to "try" to be more patient - my unemployment situation or me applying to be in the Navy, I would probably say unemployment. However, seeing as how one started in January and the other in February, the time doesn't really make a difference. At this point though, survey says: NAVY. If anything being unemployed has taught me take on a different perspective in regards to my life; it has shown me exactly how much I missed out on by having tunnel vision, and only being concerned with what was directly in front of me and not with what was in front, behind, and just the awareness of my general surroundings. It's made me appreciate much more and to try and take each experience and learn something from it, no matter how bad or good it turns out to be. From that, my process of applying for a commission as a Naval Officer can be described as "Hurry up and wait." From the actual application, to security clearances, to the Seattle trip, and now waiting to hear if I will be invited to interview in Washington DC on June 16th, has been draining on me to say the least. However, I've actually enjoyed the entire process thus far, which is defininately a change for me. Other than my faith in God (which has also been relentlessly tested and knocked down and built back up over the past 6 months), applying to the Navy has been the one solid process in my life that has allowed me to forget about what's going on around me and focus on the future.

The difference now is that the same tunnel vision I once held isn't there anymore. I'm focusing on what's to come, but also am more cognizant of my surroundings and situations and their affect on me and the future. My dad said it best and this is probably the only time I've heard him swear, but he has always told me, "You can have all the "atta boys" in the world, but all it takes is one 'Oh Shit' to f*ck it all up." Anyways, using that knowledge and consistently moving forward in this application process has proven the resilience of self and has redefined passion. The patience and "the kid waiting to go to Disney World for the first time" anxiety, as I call it, has shown me exactly what I want out of life and what the differences are in doing something because you feel its the right thing to do, and doing or going after something because you TRULY want to do it. Passion and patience kind of go hand in hand almost. More than likely, unless you're a billionaire of some kind or just lucky, you will have to work, sweat, bleed, scratch, claw, and be prepared to work harder than ever for something that you are passionate about. However, just because you do all those things, doesn't mean whatever you're going after will be granted to you immediately by some fairy god-mother. No, if you want something bad enough, you're willing to do whatever it takes to get it (*ahem* legally), even if that means waiting to hear if you've been blessed to receive whatever you're going after.

For me, that's been the hardest part. Not the constant studying of 5+ years of my Michigan Engineering education, not the medical and physical evaluations, not the clearances. Just waiting. I'm kind of in a holding pattern and being in that situation kills me, but I know God has control over all things and that I have to let him have it and be in control and just trust that he will handle it. I can only do the things that will prepare me for what is about to come. So now less than a week out from possibility of my life changing completely, I'm telling you that patience and passion make you stronger. Anxiety will lead to the development and foundation of patience (you have to start somewhere), but passion will round out and refine your patience and ultimately trump anxiety.

So altogether, my situations and my faith have taught me to be anxious for nothing. Being anxious for nothing will build your patience and allow it to develop. Your buildup of patience will allow you to have the confidence to follow your passion. Following your passion will show you where your heart really is and it will complement the patience that was there in the beginning. This cycle will continue to repeat until the ends justify the means. I hope I used that right. Anyways, my patience is a daily work in progress, but I'm following my current passion, so that allows me to be confident in myself and that God is leading me down the right path. This will hit everyone differently, but in the end the lesson is the same. I will take the first part of something that we had to memorize as pledges. "Yesterday is gone forever, tomorrow is yet to be." Forget about what happened in the past. Only YOU have control of whether that will dictate your future. Follow your passion and don't let anxiety over the past or future deviate you from your path, because the one thing that will keep you going on that track, will be patience.

Until next time...

Darkness

P.S. - Don't EVER EVER pray for patience. Seriously.

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