Verbal Seduction....

Lately I've been wanting to update my blog, since I haven't done so since May 2010, which is probably the longest time I've gone without updating it since I began it last year.  I've been struggling with what to write about or maybe just because in retrospect, my life seems to be better than it was a year ago, that I no longer have anything to learn or maybe to pass on to someone who might benefit from my experiences. 


Yet, even now writing here, I find myself able to express things that I often don't usually verbalize.  Whether or not I have a lesson to pass on, doesn't matter. I write here for me and no one else.  


So before I start, I want to preface the changes that my blog will be going through, not as extensive as what I did before though.  The past posts have all focused on things I learned through the past and the events that corresponded as well as how those events tie into stuff I was experiencing in the present.   The tone will more or less focus on that now.   I will try to relay some of the things that I experience and the emotions that come into play and how that's tying into the present and future.  Just go with me here. 

I find myself starting Primary flight training to become an NFO (Naval Flight Officer) down here in Pensacola.  I have just completed API (Aviation PreIndoctrination Training) and that had its own challenges that I had to deal with mentally and physically.  Every single day I find myself looking up to the other training aircraft flying around and in disbelief that I'm actually a part of this culture (or at least becoming part of this).  Me personally, I've definitely had some inner struggles that I've had to battle in order to get to this point.   Struggles with doubt, confidence issues, and overall feeling like at certain times, like I've made a big mistake. 


Naval Aviation is filled with people who are considered to be of "Type A" personalities.  We (yes I said we) like to be the best, all the time, every day.  I, myself, am competitive in most things....if there was a contest with who could sleep the best, I would win.  (Just being honest) Being around people who are just like myself, there is ALWAYS an atmosphere of competition....even unspoken.  When you feel like you're not measuring up or struggling at something that someone else seems to succeed at, you begin to second guess yourself.  This happened mostly over the past few months.  There were days where I'd wake up and not want to go to class, or not go and swim.  There was even a few days when I wanted to quit because I was frustrated, tired, pissed off, and generally feeling like I was the red-headed stepchild.  (No offense to any of my ginger friends).   However, even with those thoughts of doubt, oftentimes I hate to admit it - self pity - and basically pouting too, I sucked it up and kept going.  I made a commitment to myself that I wanted to see the other side or whatever the next goal was....


One step at a time and one day at a time.  I prayed and prayed hard to God to get me through events as fast as possible, which in turn may not have been exactly the way to go about praying for that....but thats another topic.   I chose to keep going because I knew that deep down, if I couldn't make it through this,  I didn't deserve whatever goal lie ahead of me.  I had to search deep inside of myself and re-discover my motivation for being here.  Some of you may say, "why?  It wasn't that bad."  No it wasn't and I agree with you.  But those same feelings of failure I felt one year ago, I allowed to come back and at times, I allowed it to paralyze me.  I made a promise to myself that I'd never be the victim ever again.   It's unreal how much your own mind can become your worst enemy when you need it most.  I countered every single thought with something verbal.  Every time.  Soon enough, I found myself finishing the first "phase" of my training and progressing to my actual flight training.  Even though its not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things, I know that there are many who don't get to make it to this point for one reason or another.   Finishing alone gave me back that confidence and positive moto I need in order to climb the next mountain.  I learned what I need to do if my mind decides to try to get in the way of my current situation.  I also know that there won't be any room or time to allow things to affect me the way they have in the past.  My verbal confidence has to be on the same page as my mental/physical confidence.  This is only the beginning and I know I'm gonna have much more to learn but I don't intend to learn them the same way I have in the past (the hard way).


I wasn't brought here to fail and I also know that God didn't mean for me to come down here just to be sent home either.  Knowing and believing that is the most difficult part though.  I know the things I have yet to go through are going to be even harder and more stressful with each successive step I take upwards, but I don't intend to walk the path of self pity and destruction/depression again.  That road was closed and won't be opening anytime soon.  


There's nothing wrong with wanting to be good at everything or wanting to do well or be #1 (unless you're egotistical and an ass about it), but when you come against an obstacle that seems to be impeding your progress,  keep in mind what crossed to get to that point.  Don't look back, keep looking forward.  Your past is your past for a reason.  Verbally tell your mind to shut up and be positive and focus and keep that moto there.  Sounds stupid and it sounds easy....but I know for me, it happens more often than I care to count.  You've got to believe and every word you say.  If you say one thing, yet doubt it a second later.....it loses its impact. 


Until next time.....


Darkness

Personal-Journals

Faith Over Fear and the Difference of a Year

One year ago.

One year ago today (24 May) I decided to revamp my blog and start "Inside the Soul of Darkness."  I stepped out of myself today to really take in and wrap my head around the differences of where I was vs. where I am currently.  For me personally, everything I am experiencing right now and where I am is all due to the mercy and love of God.  Now if you don't believe that, that's fine.  But this is my blog and he is my God and very real to me.  It is all because of him that I am where I am today.


One year ago, I had no job (except the small part-time jobs I held to make it by). I often wondered if I'd be able to eat, I lived in constant fear of what would happen financially or physically.  I went through each day just wondering if I'd be able to pay bills or what bills I would have to put off in order to eat.  I suffered from depression and was an emotional wreck. 

One year later, I am gainfully employed by the United States Navy as received a commission as a Naval Officer on 16 April 2010 (HOOYAH!).  I don't wonder if I'll be able to eat (now its just when ha), I don't worry about the future anymore.  That's not only due to the change in my situation, but due to the fact that worrying does nothing but make you age and drive you crazy.  Why worry about things that are out of your control?  Believe and have faith and step forward, for faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see.  I don't worry about paychecks and am slowly trying to repair my financial situation.  I have an awesome roof over my bed, even if all my stuff is still in Colorado, I still get 3 hots and a cot.  I've learned to not let my emotions control me in tough situations and have grown mentally tougher, if you will.  That was most definitely a product of OCS, where many, many times you didn't have time to react to a situation or command.  You had to execute and execute correctly the first time.  Emotions do nothing but cause more problems and waste time. 


In the midst of all that turmoil, it seemed like it would never come to an end.  Now I look back at it and everyday I am in complete disbelief at the opportunity that I've been given with my life.  Standing on the Naval base here and realizing that I have been trusted with great responsibility, and I haven't even begun to scratch the surface yet.  Never would I have thought in college that this is the path that my life would take and yet I get up everyday excited as hell to see what I get to learn and/or see.  I know fully well that I am not out of the clear completely yet.  I know the road I am on currently is one that is very difficult and riddled with storms, but I feel more prepared now in my life than I ever have been, to take on any challenge thrown at me......even learning to fly a plane for the world's greatest military and Navy, and being humble about it at the same time.  


Even when it seems completely bleak and you are by yourself, focus not on what your eyes can see, because even they lie to you.  Focus and take that imaginary step into the future.  Dare yourself to walk forward while thinking positively and slamming out the negative.  D0 that and watch your situation begin to turn around and your mood lighten.  This too shall pass and what awaits you after this trial period is over is much better than you can imagine.  

I look forward everyday to what is going to happen next.  Getting into OCS, getting through OCS, earning my commission, and getting down here to Pensacola were challenges in and of themselves.  I know what awaits me is going to be harder than what I encountered one year ago, and anyone reading this has to understand that.  Getting through one storm or one trial is a good thing, but is there to make you stronger for the next one that will come.  


So now, lets see where I end up one year from today.  I invite you to follow with me and keep a journal of your own path.  Whether you're going through or having a great life, start chronicling your life and its memories.  As cliche as it is, you will be surprised at what a difference a year makes. 


Until next time,


Darkness