The Struggle of Perseverance

First, I've been waiting a VERY long time to write this next post.  Mainly because I've been waiting on some things to fall into place before I wrote it and it had to be the appropriate time in order to deliver it as well.  As we begin to close out 2009 and welcome 2010, I can't help but feel 2010 has to be better than 2009 and 2008 combined.  I remember NYE 2008 being in Chicago and other people echoing the sentiment that 2008 pretty much sucked.  With that, I strolled into 2009 thinking it was going to be different and to be honest, it was, but not in the way that I would've expected. 

As cliche as it sounds, it really is amazing how much of a difference just one year makes.  I'm not going to recap 2009 as most everyone who reads this already knows the hell and crap I went through on a constant, never-ending basis.  However, I can say that I am walking away from 2009 with a greater awareness of myself and what I want out of life.  Also having grown stronger in personal areas such as mental and emotional strength, perseverance, fortitude, and better understanding of my faith in God, etc.  It was a very tough year and the entire journey is something that I hope I never have to go through in that magnitude ever again.  I spent 11 out of 12 months of 2009 in one of the hardest processes that I've ever been through in my life, much tougher than getting into Michigan or Grad School at CU, or any job for that matter.  I've never worked harder in my life just to prove that I have what it takes in order to granted a spot in any job or position.  This taught me that not only with God is anything possible, but that even in your darkest hour and your weakest point, your goals will keep you motivated to do the unimaginable.  I clung to a quote that said "Never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about."  Truer words have never been said.  When I began my application process to the Navy last February, I never in my wildest dreams pictured myself to be getting ready and training in order to leave for Naval Officer Candidate School in another month with the hope of being able to commission and then make my way through Flight School successfully to become a Naval Pilot.  *Sidebar: On 24 January is when I start OCS and that is the exact day +/- a day that I lost my job last year.*

That still to this day baffles me and how on earth the Navy decided that I had what it took amongst all the stiff competition I had is beyond me.  But I know one thing is for sure.....I'm ready.

My last job left me with a false sense of how things work due to many of the (negative) attitudes that I encountered there.  It left me feeling like nothing.  My application to the Navy gave me something to grab ahold of and chase the entire time.  It was the most ridiculous process ever, but it was worth every minute and second that I poured into it.  After a full year of being unemployed and now (*here is the new news*) as I sit here as one of those FINAL SELECTED officer candidates to attend Officer Candidate School, I have had lots and lots of time to think about what exactly I was applying to do and where I wanted to take my life.  As I said, I've grown alot in the past 11-12 months and I'm ready to take what I've learned and apply to the new path that I'm getting ready to start running down.  My past is exactly that and I'm only looking forward at what is coming. 

So what are these things I've come to learn and grow from?  Here....

a. NOTHING is EVER guaranteed to you.  Nothing.

b. People will smile in your face and stab you in the back at the same time. 

c. If you're not happy with the way your life is going, then change it.

d. Don't expect other people to have sympathy or feel bad for you.

e. Showing emotion in certain situations is good, but other times it shows weakness.  Be mindful of where you choose to wear your heart on your sleeve.

f. The only person who has your best interests at heart is YOU.

g. Sometimes the only thing you have to hold on to is your will to stay with a goal longer than anyone else.

h. Given the chance, most people (usually not friends) will turn their back on you and throw you under the bus if it means that the heat is taken off them.

i. Don't allow others stupidity or worry to throw you off track.

j. Stop worrying about stuff that is out of your control.

k. Whatever you want out of life, go for it.

l. Anything worth having, is worth working (HARD) for....

That's only a sample but you get the picture.  You would think some of these are common sense, but oftentimes its easy to forget and get caught up in the hustle and bustle of everyday life, or be swept in by someone with a kind demeanor and nice smile.  Everything I've learned and gone through over the past year is now nothing but a testament to the strength that is inside of me to keep fighting for what I believe and what I want, no matter what the odds are.

I definitely know the journey i'm about to embark upon is not going to be one that is easy at all, but I feel much more prepared for the twists and turns that lie ahead now than if I had never gone through this wilderness journey over the past year.  So I say all that to say this, the struggle of perseverance can be one hell of battle.  As a friend of mine once told me, perseverance doesn't consist of one long journey, but several smaller ones added together.  Sticking with my goal and dream of getting into the Navy has been extremely hard but rewarding and I know it will only get harder, but this was the first step in a new direction.  Anyone can just up and quit or find something else, but I like the idea of challenging myself and mainly to see just how far I can push myself until I break.  There were times when I came deathly close to breaking, but I had to just keep going.  Hour by hour, day by day, week by week, and month by month.  By no means am I all good or out of the woods yet, but as I said, my journey as I begin to look and move forward is made that much easier by the experiences I have now under my belt to fall back upon.  Use your past experiences to make you stronger but don't latch onto them so hard that they cause you to freeze.

You'll only truly know what you're made of and how much you can take until you're taken out of your comfort zone and forced to adapt to something that you're not used to at all.  ONLY UNTIL THAT POINT, will you really know how much you can handle and how much you're willing to just push through. 

We will see how much more I can handle and if I have the cajones to continue to push through these next upcoming months....

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Happy New Year. 

Until 2010....

Darkness

Ghosts Appear and Fade Away

Remember as kids when you would sit down in school and draw or write about what you wanted to be when you grew up?  I remember that day very well.... mostly because my dream hasn't changed at all.  It is exactly the same at 25 as it was at age 8.  There is this quote I heard and I agree with half of it.  It says that life is supposed to be about the journey and not just the destination, but I can't help but feel like establishing a/the destination is just as important as the journey.

Everyone has their own goals and dreams for what they would like to accomplish in life, or where they see themselves at or doing at X years old. I know I did this for myself.....I never thought during college that I'd be where I am at 25 or be getting ready to embark upon Naval Officer Candidate School in a month or two either.  Although the ultimate goals for my life remain the same, I've had to take a different approach towards them.  I never understood why people become complacent about their dreams/goals and seemingly just give up on what they ultimately want to be or do.  Now don't get me wrong, there are those who actually have legitimate reasons for having to find a new dream/vision due to life circumstances or others things that come their way that are for the most part unavoidable.  However, I'm addressing the majority of people who just quit and give up.... those with no real reason other than "I got lazy."  Because that is ultimately what it comes down to most times.  You can agree or disagree, but this is my blog and I'm putting things from my perspective whether you agree or not.

I always seem to hear the following when it comes to people giving up on their goals: "It's to hard, I lost interest, Eh, I don't know, its too much work, f*ck that, this is easier, i'm lazy" etc.  Yes, I very well know that everyone has different mindsets and motivations for doing things and not doing things as well, but if you have a dream, doesn't it behoove you to do whatever it takes to get to that dream?  Isn't that half of the satisfaction of knowing that you busted your ass to get to your dream?  Why take the easy way out?  Even if I NEVER make it in the astronaut program, I know i worked my living butt off to do whatever I could do to try to make it happen.  I know that throughout it all, I never gave up and did everything that was in MY CONTROL to make it happen.  Doing everything you can do reach your goals and THEN stopping because you have exhausted every resource, network, contact, route possible is much different than quitting because you didn't have the cajones to finish what you started.

A bit of background on me...ever since I was about 8 years old, I've had the vision of one day being able to work alongside other astronauts in space as a mission specialist or maybe be on a long duration mission to Mars.  I've held onto this dream and protected it with all I had, and even at times, it's been the one primary source of motivation for me.   I've been told, to my face many times, that "I would never graduate from Michigan, never make it in the real world, everything I do will be a failure, I'd never get into Michigan or get a job after it, that I'm nothing but a failure, that my family is nothing but a failure, that I am crazy for trying to do something so "out there", i'm nothing but a dumb (insert N-word)", and you get the picture.  Thats just the verbal resistance, I'm not gonna even get into all the shit that happened during college and in grad school that i guarantee about 95% of you have NO idea even happened.  Anyways, for some reason, people seem shocked and surprised when I tell them that that is what I want to do and that I will do WHATEVER it takes to even have the chance to apply to the astronaut program.  There have been MULTIPLE chances when I could've just given up due to circumstances around me or because of what people were saying to me.   Had I done that, who knows where the hell I'd be, however, I know that I would never forgive myself if I had let it get to me and given up.  It's so easy oftentimes to take the easy way out and just quit when it gets"too hard" and to let all the everyday day-to-day (yes I know thats redundant...I did that on purpose) bullshit get to you and get you off track.  Many times its hard to see the final destination, or the next destination for that matter when you're in a cloud of fog and it seems like nothing is going like it should be at the time.  My short-term goal has been getting into the Navy.  I can now say that I am pretty damn close to fulfilling that goal and heading off to Officer Candidate School here pretty soon.  I am extremely proud of that and has yet again verified to me that nothing is impossible or out of reach.  The road has definitely not been easy and I'm sure any other person who has traveled the same road to gaining a slot as I have over the past 13 months with the Navy would agree.  It has been a mentally, physically, and emotionally demanding and challenging journey up to this very point.  Having to learn to wait for days, weeks, and months on end for one gate to clear only to come up to an even bigger one has been nothing short of irritating, agonizing, frustrating, and exciting all at the same time.  The amount of work on my end that it has taken to just get to my current position and status has been exceedingly HUGE.  I have never done more to get a "job" in my entire life but this whole process has grown me as a person and kept me focused.  Throughout this time, if you've had the chance to read previous posts, I've been bombarded with outside distractions, events, situations, etc. that at any point could've caused me to lose focus and ultimately sacrifice everything that I've worked so hard for up to now.

So going back to the "life is about the journey not a destination" thing.  I really believe that if you have no destination, then your journey is basically pointless.  Its like wandering through a cornfield with no real plan or map or knowing how to get out.  Having a destination (read: goal/dream/vision), no matter how lofty you or anyone thinks they are, is how you set your life's journey apart.  The journey is part of the fun yes, but mostly its the building up part of life.  This journey, I guarantee, will be filled with huge mountains, low valleys, cracks, loose rocks, large obstacles, mooses (is that the plural for moose?), and whatever else decides to blindside you on a tuesday afternoon.  These impossible it seems at the time obstacles will help to build your confidence and your determination in reaching your goal.  Remember that setting the goal is only 1/4 of the battle, however, getting there and going through hell fire, deep water, raining asteroids and nuclear bombs to get to the next plateau is what will really test your fortitude and perseverance.  There are only a handful of people who are willing to work to do what it takes to get through that stuff....unfortunately for many, the first sign of resistance = time to give up and do something else/take the easy way out.   Now please understand I'm not attacking anyone or judging anyone, but if you think that, then maybe its because I'm hitting a bit too close to home.

Don't let the day to day crap storm deter you from what is the most important in your life....whatever it happens to be.  I'm not going to lie, if you choose to suck it up and go down the tough road, its going to suck.  It's going to suck super hard at times, and not in the good way.  There are days when you will hate life and hate everything and everyone around you.  You will feel upset, sad, depressed, and like you are just spinning your wheels along the road of life.  But don't give up.  As cliche as it sounds, my parents have always told me "If it was hard, then everyone would be doing it" and I definitely believe that ANYTHING worth having is worth working for, no matter the cost to myself or otherwise.  I may have my down days, but I am one of the most determined people you will meet.  If you tell me I "can't do it" or "no", be prepared for me to work that much harder to prove you wrong.  I've done it in the past and continue to do it everyday and I don't do it to show people up, but I do it to prove to myself that I have what it takes to continue and move to the next level.  Sometimes our biggest critics and biggest obstacles are ourselves.

As I said, its very easy to lose focus with having to run here and pick up this, drop off that, do this, go do that, work this out, finish this up, get this fixed, slap these around, read this, and whatever else.  I personally put up reminders that I know I'll see everyday that keep my focus/goal in my mind every day.  I put stuff in my phone, on my wall in my room, in my car, in my gym bag, on facebook, and on my laptop.  These help me remember that no matter what happens everyday, that there is an end goal in mind and that I HAVE to keep pushing.  I refuse to let my situations around me dictate my future.....I am in control of what happens and I ultimately am responsible.  I also refuse to be complacent and settle for 2nd or 3rd best or something else just because I was afraid of hard work.

Think about your goals and dreams?  Are you doing EVERYTHING you can to try to get yourself on track towards them, as much as you can?  Or did you quit on yourself and settle for something a bit easier?  If you look at your life, are you happy with where you are and where you are going?  If so, congratulations, you are a minority in this world.  If you're not happy, and you don't like where you are, only YOU can change that. Be proactive and go after what you want and keep going until you reach the next step.  Had I given up at the first bit of resistance, who knows where or what I'd be doing right now, but i for damn sure know I wouldn't be where I am right now.  So this goes one of two ways, focus on the short and long term goals and use those to motivate yourself and do what it takes to make it or stay complacent, accept defeat and apathy, and end up with mediocrity.

I leave you with a quote from my favorite song right now.  It's by Kid Cudi's "Man on the Moon" album.  The song is called "Pursuit of Happiness." I definitely encourage you to go listen to this song if you haven't heard it yet. If you don't know me by now, I connect alot with music and use it as motivation as I oftentimes tie the lyrics to things going on in my own life. The chorus is something that I feel is very true and can help anyone through anything.  So again, look at the lyrics and what they might mean to you if anything. This song will mean something different for everyone and may not mean a damn thing for some, but i really feel like its lyrics hit home a bit....find it on youtube and give it a listen.

"I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know, everything that shine aint always gonna be gold.  I'll be fine, once I get it.....I'll be good" 

Kid Cudi feat MGMT - Pursuit of Happiness

Otherwise until next time....

Darkness

One Tough Act to Follow......

This post has been a few months in the making, which explains my lack of posting lately. I've got quite a bit to say, so this one is lengthy, but bear with me, as it does have a point.

Sometimes one of the hardest things you have to do is listen to your own advice. I found myself in situations over the past few months that I never imagined happening to me. However, I've learned a lesson from each one and it has made me that much stronger. Each "life event" that follows seems to get harder and harder to climb and takes that much more energy to get through. I'm sure every person has, at one point or another, been through just a shitstorm that only seems to get worse by the day. During this "storm", you continue on trying to make it through; and just when you think you've gotten through the ABSOLUTE worst part of it, a rogue wave blindsides you.

If you would ask me at 20 or 21, while I was in college, how I pictured my life to be going at age 25, I guarantee my life story up to this point would be narrated completely differently than how it is currently. In a nutshell, here's how the past 3 months or so have been going. Colorado cut unemployment benefits early. I lost my apartment and had to put stuff into storage. I barely have any food, or even gas to get to my jobs. I have applied to over 300+ jobs in the area and all over colorado. I am in the process of finding a new home for my Python, whom I'm very attached to at the moment. My 6 month old laptop decided to stop working so that's being fixed. I almost lost my Naval career before it even began due to a small legal situation. My finances and credit are a joke at this point. My car desperately needs things fixed but I can't do anything about it. I can go on and on and on. The magnitude of stuff that has happened can't really be felt via text, but I said all of that to say this. There were days when I would sit there and wonder why my life seems to be going the way its going and why it seems like I'm the only person going through this kind of stuff. The past 3 months have been the hardest so far out of anything, but I'm still here.

It would've been INCREDIBLY easy for me to look at all of that and basically sink into this enormous depressive state and mope around. But i didn't do that....it takes so much energy to feel bad and be sad and what do you get out of it? Nothing. You don't feel any better, you're basically sargeant buzzkill to everyone else around you and it just makes you jealous (*ahem* see my last post on haters/star player) of everyone else around you who either don't understand or have everything going for them. The truth of the matter is, you never know what anyone is going through at the moment or what their struggle is either. It's easy to be like "well you have no idea what its like because I've" *insert long sob story here*. You can either go around crying about your problems or be proactive and do something about them and try to help others around you as well. Someone could be going through the exact same thing you are and they may be watching your every move and you might not ever know. They're watching you because they see how you handle your situations, which may or may not be similar. If you take each problem thrown at you, and you tackle it head on with the right attitude, that can be very uplifting and motivating for someone else. On the other hand if you go around feeling bad and complaining, all you're doing is reaping negative attitudes and pity parties around you.

I had to learn this lesson. I was tired of feeling defeated and so I've been doing whatever I can to keep myself going and motivated and trying to be a living testimony for others who might need encouragement in their own situations. In light of the stuff that has happened, I have realized that next to God and my family, my friends are of the utmost importance to me. Yes, I knew that before, but you never really know who your TRUE friends are until you need them. And I can say that I'm proud to have the friends that I have because, a good bit of my struggle has been overcome just because of them. They know who they are as well. The other thing that keeps me going is something my friend Brownie told me one day. He said, "You know, I'd be more worried about you, if what you're going through wasn't just a speedbump..." What he meant by that was that on August 25th, 2009 at 12:13 pm, I got a call from my recruiter that I was Professionally Recommended to become an Officer Candidate for Pilot, Naval Flight Offiicer, or Surface Warfare Officer. I applied to all 3 and got accepted by all 3 and now all I'm waiting on is my Final Selection, which will also give me my Officer Candidate School report date for my class. Even though waiting sucks and sucks hard, I know that I'm destined for bigger and better things and God has me in a holding pattern until he sees that I'm ready to start the next phase of my life. I know that everything, EVERYTHING, that I've experienced and seen and felt since this runaway train took off in January 2009 is going to prepare me for the next challenge in my life. It will probably be way harder, but looking back on this gives me the strength to know that I am well equipped and capable of overcoming it. And by the way....that next challenge will probaby be OCS in Newport, RI. But as I said, knowing that my life is getting ready to change, keeps me from being complacent and also keeps me going that much harder everyday to make my situation better.

Final point: Shit happens. It does. Over and over and over....and then when you think you're in nice, open, clear, caribbean waters, you find that its still the sesspool of crap that you were in before. But you're in deeper. Awesome. Everyone will go through something or has been through something where it felt like nothing is going right and it continued that way. Your attitude and the decisions you make after it hits the fan, is where you really find out how much fortitude you have and how mature you are to handle what's going on. Those decisions and your attitude will dictate whether you'll be ready for the next challenge that comes or if you are destined to circle the drain until you decide to change direction and fight against it. You're in control of your lives....even when you feel everything has been taken away and there is no possible way to continue, keep fighting. Hold on to your dreams or goals, because sometimes, that will be the one thing keeping you sane. My favorite quote and something I read everyday when I wake up is this:
"Between you and every goal that you wish to achieve, is a series of obstacles. The bigger the gaol, the bigger and more daunting the obstacles. Your decision to be, have, and do something out of the ordinary entails facing difficulties and challenges out of the ordinary as well. Sometimes your greatest asset is simply your ability to stay with it longer than anyone else."

So I'll ask this question and I feel every person should keep this in the back of their mind.
Do you let your situation(s) dictate your attitude?
Or do you let your attitude dictate your situation?

Until next time.
Darkness

The Star Player

First, I have began to receive some really good feedback from my blog thus far, so thank you to those of you have taken the time to read it and offer comments. Also I'm still playing with fonts, so bear with me.

Today’s post came after I had spoken to a few people about some things that were going on in their lives. Now it wasn’t the content of what they were going through that prompted me to write a new post. It was the “theme” of the advice that I gave to them. That advice centered around being your own #1 fan, or as Katt Williams put it so well, being in tune with your Star Player. You can see him talk about it below.

Now my point in putting that video in is because he touches on a solid point that I believe many of us forget to do from time to time. Many times we get so caught up in trying to be selfless, or wanting to prove to others that we can do something just so we don’t take a hit to our ego or pride. Other times we worry what others might think or say or talk about when we’re not around. And even moreso with that, we sacrifice our own happiness for the sake of others or just to get by with something. So when something doesn’t exactly turn out how we want or we happen upon some harsh unexpected reality, we shut down. Why?

Another thing I’ve learned in my months of being jobless is that it takes an ABSURDLY LARGE amount of effort to sit back and be depressed, feeling bad for yourself, and wishing the world would throw you a pity party; rather than getting up and not allowing the little things (because that’s what they are most of the time) to get us down and bring us into this funk. Let me ask this. When you feel bad or you’re upset about something or “depressed”, do you ever feel better after or during? If you do, then let me know the secret. But otherwise, NO, you feel like absolute crap, so why even put yourself and your mind through something like that? I don’t care how “strong” you are or think you are, everyone at one point or another has felt that way. It may not last long, but surely at some point you’ve felt like less than your normal self.

The key to the above is exactly as Katt said it. Be in tune with your star player. Basically be your #1 fan. When you wake up in the morning, you don’t have to please anyone but yourself. YOU have to be happy and confident with the decisions that you impart upon yourself that day. YOU have to look at yourself in the mirror and smile and be happy with the person who is looking back at you. Too many times we get so wrapped up in how others feel or think about us or say, that that shouldn’t even come close to mattering. When something doesn’t go your way initially, you can give up, throw a temper tantrum, and sulk around or you can turn it around and go back at it 4x as hard. My application to the Navy took an unexpected turn and now I have to wait just a little bit longer to hear if I’ve been accepted to become an Officer. I could’ve easily let that defeat me and just have given up, but then what good does that really do? Now I know that that unexpected turn was a blessing and it was exactly where I needed to be. Even though things with the Navy have been tough and it seemed like a wrench was thrown in plans, I realized that being flexible and adaptable to change is necessary. This is due to me being in tune with my star player and I decided that I was going to do whatever it took to get back in the pipeline.

Just as before, everyone’s situation differs so apply it as you see fit. But being in tune with your star player should be your primary concern from day to day. It sounds like something that should come naturally, but as I said all too often we allow ourselves to be taken off track by other people or things and that causes us to be all messed up. Stop worrying about situations or HATERS. (Haters will be the subject of another post).

Be in tune with YOUR star player. At the end of the day, when there is no one else, the real test will be whether you are able to stand on your own and pick yourself up and keep moving or if you’ll just shrivel up and die. Hopefully you choose the former and not the latter.

Staying in constant tune with your star player will help you get through, climb over, and transcend each obstacle in life. So, I leave you with this, how is your Star Player doing?

Until next time,

Darkness

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Now playing: Black Eyed Peas - Showdown
via FoxyTunes

The levees are breaking...

If there is one thing that has been an ever present factor in my life over the past 6+ months, it has been learning the art of patience and the stress of anxiety. Patience is a dangerous thing......if you don't have it. Praying for patience will only lead to more stressful situations that test your patience and allow it to grow, or at least that's supposed to be the goal. Now, couple that with anxiety over what's to come possibly and you have one giant mega-test of patience coming your way. This test of sorts has caused my life in many ways to be one giant glass case of emotion (+10 points for guessing that movie).

If you had asked me a few months ago what the cause of more anxiety was and which one led me to "try" to be more patient - my unemployment situation or me applying to be in the Navy, I would probably say unemployment. However, seeing as how one started in January and the other in February, the time doesn't really make a difference. At this point though, survey says: NAVY. If anything being unemployed has taught me take on a different perspective in regards to my life; it has shown me exactly how much I missed out on by having tunnel vision, and only being concerned with what was directly in front of me and not with what was in front, behind, and just the awareness of my general surroundings. It's made me appreciate much more and to try and take each experience and learn something from it, no matter how bad or good it turns out to be. From that, my process of applying for a commission as a Naval Officer can be described as "Hurry up and wait." From the actual application, to security clearances, to the Seattle trip, and now waiting to hear if I will be invited to interview in Washington DC on June 16th, has been draining on me to say the least. However, I've actually enjoyed the entire process thus far, which is defininately a change for me. Other than my faith in God (which has also been relentlessly tested and knocked down and built back up over the past 6 months), applying to the Navy has been the one solid process in my life that has allowed me to forget about what's going on around me and focus on the future.

The difference now is that the same tunnel vision I once held isn't there anymore. I'm focusing on what's to come, but also am more cognizant of my surroundings and situations and their affect on me and the future. My dad said it best and this is probably the only time I've heard him swear, but he has always told me, "You can have all the "atta boys" in the world, but all it takes is one 'Oh Shit' to f*ck it all up." Anyways, using that knowledge and consistently moving forward in this application process has proven the resilience of self and has redefined passion. The patience and "the kid waiting to go to Disney World for the first time" anxiety, as I call it, has shown me exactly what I want out of life and what the differences are in doing something because you feel its the right thing to do, and doing or going after something because you TRULY want to do it. Passion and patience kind of go hand in hand almost. More than likely, unless you're a billionaire of some kind or just lucky, you will have to work, sweat, bleed, scratch, claw, and be prepared to work harder than ever for something that you are passionate about. However, just because you do all those things, doesn't mean whatever you're going after will be granted to you immediately by some fairy god-mother. No, if you want something bad enough, you're willing to do whatever it takes to get it (*ahem* legally), even if that means waiting to hear if you've been blessed to receive whatever you're going after.

For me, that's been the hardest part. Not the constant studying of 5+ years of my Michigan Engineering education, not the medical and physical evaluations, not the clearances. Just waiting. I'm kind of in a holding pattern and being in that situation kills me, but I know God has control over all things and that I have to let him have it and be in control and just trust that he will handle it. I can only do the things that will prepare me for what is about to come. So now less than a week out from possibility of my life changing completely, I'm telling you that patience and passion make you stronger. Anxiety will lead to the development and foundation of patience (you have to start somewhere), but passion will round out and refine your patience and ultimately trump anxiety.

So altogether, my situations and my faith have taught me to be anxious for nothing. Being anxious for nothing will build your patience and allow it to develop. Your buildup of patience will allow you to have the confidence to follow your passion. Following your passion will show you where your heart really is and it will complement the patience that was there in the beginning. This cycle will continue to repeat until the ends justify the means. I hope I used that right. Anyways, my patience is a daily work in progress, but I'm following my current passion, so that allows me to be confident in myself and that God is leading me down the right path. This will hit everyone differently, but in the end the lesson is the same. I will take the first part of something that we had to memorize as pledges. "Yesterday is gone forever, tomorrow is yet to be." Forget about what happened in the past. Only YOU have control of whether that will dictate your future. Follow your passion and don't let anxiety over the past or future deviate you from your path, because the one thing that will keep you going on that track, will be patience.

Until next time...

Darkness

P.S. - Don't EVER EVER pray for patience. Seriously.

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Now playing: Linkin Park - In Between
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A Re-Introduction of Sorts...

If you're reading this, welcome to the first post of my somewhat new blog. I decided it was time for me to update my blog and I wanted a completely new look, feel, theme, whatever. I am still playing with the layout so things may change some until I am completely happy with what I have, but for now, this works and I'm cool with it. The overall redesign was brought about after a 6 mile run last week and thinking about the things going on in my life and how my life has changed in the past year and over the course of the past 6 months or so. This first post will explain the changes and what I hope readers will get from my blog and its new contents.

My last post was from August 2008 and told of some difficulties I was having at work and other stuff going on in my life at that time. I never had an inkling that my life would basically be turned upside down 5 months later. To bring everyone up to speed, I was laid off towards the end of January 2009. I lost my job on the same day as several thousand other Americans. From that point to this present day, my life has been a constant struggle and seemingly endless uphill battle. Dealing with the financial complexities of unemployment, the emotional battle, the physical and mental games that you go through have been exhausting to say the least. There were days when I would cry because I didn't know where to turn or what was going to happen next. It's a dark place and oftentimes seemed as if no one understood or anyone else was going through the pain and difficulties that I was experiencing. I am sure someone reading this has experienced, maybe to a greater or lesser degree, some of what i described above due to a layoff or other burdening situation. I sympathize with those who have been through this or are maybe still experiencing it as I am currently. But, that is not the point of this post and that will definitely be another post one day.

During the course of my unemployment, I've had the opportunity to do ALOT of thinking. Thinking about my life, where I'm going, how I'm going to readjust my current course so that it will still somehow align with my future goals, etc., but just many hours spent thinking while in Borders, IHOP, my apartment, running, in the gym, or anywhere I could go to clear my head and just think. I realized that my life is changing whether I want it to or not and I am going to have to re-adjust some things or succumb to eventual failure. First, was that I fell back on my religion and God. I started to put him as my priority and giving God control of my life and showing faith instead of fear and doubt. I knew that I was going to have to have start thinking about myself as far as what was best for me; with that came some realizations that will be covered later.

So what does all of this have to do with the change in content and the new blog? Well this was part of the above realization. I wanted to start capturing and "teaching" if you will, things that I've learned not only about myself but about life in general over the course of the past several months. I also want to begin to share my experiences, struggles, and achievements. The beginning of this will mainly focus on what I've learned while being unemployed, but as I move forward, more focus will be put on how to learn from life as it twists, turns, and throws wrenches at you in every way, shape, and form. Experiencing this as a twenty-something has especially been tough and my hope is that maybe someone will learn something or be inspired from my ramblings. Or maybe find that they're not alone and not the only ones getting fisted by life at times. I'm not calling myself a teacher or poet or "deep", I just feel like maybe someone out there can benefit from what I've gone through, am going through, and will go through.

So, the theme/layout of blog I felt fit my new title. With the help of various friends (special thank you to Shilpin Mehta and Julie Smith), I arrived at a title that I felt fit what I wanted my blog to bring across. The title is a play on words. My nickname, thanks to Brandon Goy, has usually been "Darkness" and the title "Inside the Soul of Darkness" is meant to portray my raw thoughts (the mind), emotions (the heart), and beliefs, which all encompass the soul aspect. Darkness itself can take on many definitions and connotations and I felt while I am on the verge of some new life decisions, I am blind as to what is going to happen or where I'm going. Coupled with my subtitle of "A Journey of Discovering and Becoming", my title and this blog are meant to chronicle not only the journey and perspective of "Darkness" but the expedition into and out of the soul and heart of darkness. Do with that what you will.....as I said darkness can be defined in many ways, so hopefully that made sense.

Altogether, this is me. This is it. Hopefully now you have an understanding of where I am and why I decided this was necessary. I also hope that you'll keep reading as I attempt to update this. I find that if I put myself on a schedule of doing it weekly or bi-weekly, it won't get done. So I'm going to update this as I have thoughts about certain things, so there's no regimented schedule.

If you've read this long, thank you. I hope my above rambling made sense and you'll keep reading, live vicariously through me, and who knows maybe learn something along the way.

Until next time....

Darkness

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Where the f*ck have you been???

I know right? It's been quite a while since I've had the chance to write in here. Honestly things have taken off for me (in a good way mostly) and I'm incredibly busy.

I've now been in Colorado for a year and 2 months and that's pretty awesome. It's weird to think how fast time has gone and how old I'm not but how old I still feel....did that make sense?

Anyways, update on some small things:

1. Going into my second semester of Grad School this year and taking a class called "Space Habitat Design". It is being taught by my advisor and favorite professor, David Klaus (http://ecadw.colorado.edu/engineering/overview/Profiles/faculty_klaus.htm), who is an amazing professor. I had him last semester for 'Space Life Sciences' and really enjoyed that class and learned alot.

I am actually enjoying Grad school, which I didn't even think was remotely possible and I am tossing around the idea of continuing on to a Ph.D. But we'll see, it's still early in the game right now.

2. Taking the Fundamentals of Engineering Exam on October 25th, 2008. This is the first step in my pursuit of obtaining a Professional Engineering License. I need to pass with a 70% and I become an Engineer Intern (E.I.). Then I'll have to take the Principles and Practices exam and will have to pass that to get my PE License. Both exams are 8 hours in length......awesome

3. Modeling is going well and I will (hopefully) be in Men's Fitness Magazine around November. I also have some other big projects which I am shooting for, but not allowed to talk about right now.

4. I am an Open Water Scuba Diver now and currently working towards getting my Advanced Open Water Certification. All of this will lead up to me becoming a Master Scuba Diver.

Those are the most major things going on as of right now. I no longer work at the Indoor Windtunnel part time as I have spent my free time studying for class and for this exam. Same with skydiving; even though it kills me to not have jumped in like 10 months, I am taking time off to keep my priorities straight and ace these exams.

As far as work....well....it's been a hell of a year so far and not in a good way necessarily. I've really seen how people really can be in Corporate America and how some are only out for their own agendas. I've been put through alot of bullshit in the past3-4 months and it was all over shit that wasn't my fault or things that I had control over. I'll have to write a separate post about what's been going on, as its too long here.

Even though there's been bullshit on the job, it's more positive than negative....most of the time. I try to keep an open mind and thank the Lord that I even have a job right now. Hopefully it will get better though. I feel like I may have gained some respect for successfully bring an intern (from Michigan!) and getting him involved in our program and putting him to work and making sure he had an awesome summer, which he did. People doubted me because Neal was basically my age and they felt like I was too young. One thing stays the same though, I don't have time for haters nor do I give them the time of day.

I am still having an awesome time. I went to several awesome concerts this summer (Snoop Dogg, 311, Linkin Park, Chris Cornell) and got to visit some friends in LA and do some other cool shit.

Lastly, one new thing is that I started hanging out with the Pikes up at CU. Since I'm up there in class anyways, I felt that I wanted to try to have some kind of connection here at school. Well I've met a bunch of them and the girls that they hang out with and it's been awesome as I now have a new group of friends/brothers to drink with at school.

I've definitely grown in the year that i've been here and life is constantly a challenge, but I'm still here and that's what matters.

I promise to update this a bit more as the year goes on ha....take it easy...

Oh and I'm hoping to get back for some football games this fall। Right now it seems like it will be the Wisconsin game and OSU game.

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Been a while....but much to tell about...

Wow, so its definitely been quite a long time since I've written here. Mainly because I've been insanely busy in a number of areas and so even trying to find time to write in here is tough.

So really quick a number of updates about me:

*Work is going really well but getting very challenging. The spacecraft that I'm working on has now arrived and is going through preliminary testing currently. We start spacecraft integration in about 2 weeks and i'm excited for it. I've grown more comfortable with fast-paced atmosphere at my job and have hit my stride, but I'm still waiting to smack into the next wall, which I believe will inevitably come once I am in the cleanroom working and talking to the satellite.

*I still work part-time at Skyventure Colorado and that's still awesome....most of the time. I have also noticed how stupid and just idiotic our society really turned out to be. I almost amazed sometimes. There will be a post about stupid questions there later.

*In a decision that came much sooner that I anticipated, I started Graduate School at the University of Colorado-Boulder. I am doing one class a semester right now, until i get probably half-way through the program. I am in their Corporate distance learning program, so I can either attend the class on campus (which is all of 7 minutes away from my job) or watch it online via live feed. I am working towards my Master of Science in Aerospace Engineering Sciences with a focus in Bioastronautics. I am currently enrolled in a class called "Space Physiology and Space Life Sciences" and it is really different and interesting in regards to Aerospace matters. I am contemplating a Ph.D in this as well, as the professor of my class was an astronaut candidate finalist in '98 and 2000 and he is someone I want to be my advisor/mentor. So far, grad school is way better than undergrad and I think it will continue that way....hopefully.

*I recently got signed to a new modeling company here in Denver called Shades Model Management. I have my first runway show as a Male Model on Wednesday January 30th, and I'm very excited about it.

As you can see, I have been blessed with several unique and excited opportunities and am enjoying life right now. Even though it may seem like I'm constantly busy, but I actually do still have time to go out and have fun with friends and do all the awesome things that Colorado brings.
I can't believe that I've been here almost 8 months and 10 months out of Michigan. I wake up everyday and it feels almost surreal, but loving every minute of it.

I also love being to go on vacation and leave and buy a plane ticket when I want to. I went to Las Vegas last weekend and it was fucking amazing. I'll post pics of that later.

Until next time...which will be sooner rather than later....

Carl

One Year Ago....

So for awhile, nothing special has been really happening. Everything in my life is finally starting to settle and I'm getting used to corporate life and everything.



However, that's not what this post is about. This post will be one of the hardest things I've done, not because of any experience from here, but because of the nature of an event that happened on Oct. 23rd, 2006. The above picture is Me, My friends Josh, Brad, and Chris after a skydive last summer. I lost my friend Josh last October.

One of the best friends that I could ask for left and passed away one year ago on the date above. He involved in a landing accident while skydiving. He was a very experienced jumper (over 2000+ jumps) but one day, misread an advanced maneuver he was trying to do and hit the ground pretty hard. He ended up in the hospital during the month of September and was progressing and getting better. I was scheduled to fly out to see him, thanks to another good friend - Rob DeLeon - who bought the plane ticket for me. The flight was supposed to leave on Oct. 24th, right before the Compulsive Lyres were supposed to go to Chicago to sing.

Anyways, one day his condition started getting worse and he developed an infection where he started leaking spinal fluid. His condition from that point only worsened and his girlfriend and his parents knew that he did not want to live that way. (He would've been a vegetable for the rest of his life). So they decided to pull him off life support. Meanwhile back in Ann Arbor at Briarwood Mall, I was with the Lyres guys looking for new shirts and I got a phone call from Kristen. Now I had been in direct contact with her from the very day of his accident all through the recovery and even up to this point. However, the news I got was not something I wanted to hear. She told me that any minute now that his parents were going to pull him life support and Josh would slip away. He was slowly getting more sleepy and was already dying. I really hope no one ever feels what I felt at that moment. I pleaded asking them to wait one more day so i could get there, but they said that would be too late. So Kristen told me that she would hold the phone to his ear so I could say my goodbye to him.....

This was quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life thus far. I tried to stay as positive as possible, saying things that would make him laugh and that I know would put a smile on his face. It took me about 10 minutes to say goodbye, but I did and hung out the phone. As I did, I walked back into the mall with a shocked look on my face, and just collapsed on the ground as the guys came rushing over to check on me. I didn't want to talk to anyone or see anyone. I just wanted to go home. I hung out with the realization that my friend had just died and that I would never see him again.

Now its over one year later and I'm out in Colorado. Some days I think about everything he taught me and all the fun we had and other days, its hard not to cry. I know he's watching over me though, and one day I'll get to jump with him again. I have kept in contact with his mom and other family members and his girlfriend too....i think they appreciate me talking to them, and vice versa.

I'll close with this....whoever you know and as cliche as this will sound, everyone you care about, whether its friends, family, whoever...go and spend time with them and tell them you love them. You never know when the last time you hang out or go visit, really will be the last time. Josh and I hung out all summer and he was going to help me start training for my different skydiving instructor certifications. I am still going after those, but I just have to do it without his help.

Seriously, tell those you care about, how much you care. Realize how strong your friendships are with people.

I never want anyone to ever be in the situation that I or Josh's family was in with anyone.

Take care everyone....

Sense of accomplishment

(I hope this post makes sense.....had alot going on, so forgive me if it seems random)

So if you were reading my previous posts, I had taken a trip out to California to support one of the launch campaigns for my company. It was for the Worldview 1 satellite that we have been working on for quite a few years. Worldview actually launched on Sept. 18th @ 12:35 pm MDT. As I sat in one of our auditoriums at work with my friends and everyone else, I couldn't help but feel pretty damn proud and also amazed as the Delta II rocketed towards space.

As an intern here, I had the chance to participate in Integration & Testing for Worldview II. The brilliance of this spacecraft was alot to take in while it sat 10 feet away in the cleanroom during testing. I had a chance to work with the Attitude Determination & Controls System extensively and it increased my overall knowledge of the satellite system as a whole. While I watched Worldview being carried into space, it hit me that I had actually helped with the testing of this "Next Generational Digital Imaging" Spacecraft. That all the work I had done previously now made sense and that the work I had done (though insignificant compared to other engineers) was still a part in the success of this preliminary part of its mission.

I say preliminary because getting it to space is the first step. If you can't communicate with the damn thing, then the whole project goes to shit. And we were communicating with it about 1 hours and 42 minutes after launch, so all was going well.

Everything I had done up until that point, the testing, the long days and nights, the writing of code and test procedures that just seemed to go on and on, the staying up from 12 am - 9 am every day for 3 weeks out in Vandenburg while the Battery went through its autonomous conditioning cycle, EVERYTHING had been worth it to see it get to intended location in a Polar Orbit over earth. It was all worth it and I've been working with or alongside others who were working on it since my first internship here in 2004 and now to graduate from college and be sent out to a launch site (which is incredibly rare for someone with my limited experience and position), well that was an amazing opportunity. I felt as if I had watched the entire project from beginning to end and it felt pretty good, even if I didn't as much to do with it compared to others.

I know that my day will come though. I also got an award for my 1 year anniversary of cumulative service here at Ball which isn't that big of deal but nice that they recognized it.

Anyways, now its time to focus on the next project - Worldview II. This is going to be just like the first one, but much larger and with the same resolution (.5 meter) but bigger camera. For this one, I'll be working on the Electrical Power & Distribution System along with the Thermal & Electro-Mechanical Subsystem. I'm not exactly sure what all that entails, but that's what I'm currently learning. This satellite is expected to launch in Winter of 2009 and this time, I'll be in Vandenburg for the entire 3 months preparation up until the actual day of launch.

If I felt a sense of pride and accomplishment after Worldview I, I can't even imagine what I'm going to feel after we launch Worldview II. I'll also have the cool jacket, polo, bag, shirt, pin, and everything else to match with the WV II logo on it.

Being that close to a launch was definitely the coolest things I've ever been able to experience. I felt more pride and learned more from my work on that project and from my current project on WV II, than i've ever learned or had in school. One thing I'm learning is that school, Michigan especially, teaches you how to multi-task and handle stress and different jobs at once. The types of things I've learned in Vandenberg and on the job and that my leads and co-workers have taught me, can't be mimicked or learned in a classroom. Am I saying that college is worthless? Absolutely not. It does give you the knowledge to succeed in your field of study, however, the real experiences you gain and learn from can only be acquired from the stuff you actually have to face day-to-day in the Real World. From there, the real accomplishment will come from knowing that what you've gone through and experienced hasn't been in vain but yet is a stepping stone or building block to the next level of your life.

If you would like to view the launch of our spacecraft or view pictures of it while in Vandenberg getting ready for launch, you can go to the link below. I will be posting pictures from colorado and other travels next week as well.

http://www.digitalglobe.com/worldview-1_launch.html

The Trip

Sorry again for the delay in updates, but there is a reason and it will have to do with this post.

On August 17th, I walked into work like it was a normal friday. I was pumped because it was the weekend and we were getting paid. My mentor comes up to me and I had previously told him that I was interested in traveling with the group when possible. He said he would pass it on to my manager and whoever else. With my project specifically, I know that I will be going to launch sites at Air Force Bases and other places too in the future. That's exactly when I thought my chance to travel would come.....much later in the future.

My lead, who is also a good friend of mine, also was trying to get me to do some travel to launch sites for a few projects so that I could get the experience. Well, Paul walks up to my desk and asks if I was still interested in traveling and of course I answer yes. Right now we are getting ready to launch a satellite called Worldview I out of Vandenberg Air Force Base in Southern California and he asked if I would be interested in going. I immediately smiled and exclaimed "YES DEFINITELY!!"

Then he says, "Great, glad to hear it.....your plane leaves at 7 pm tonight."

...........................................i'm sorry, say what now?

So another colleague of mine was leaving to go out tonight too and the program manager requested me to come out too to help. Paul and I sat down and tried to iron out leaving on saturday or sunday, but it wasn't doable with the tickets. So, in a whirlwind of about an hour and 15 minutes, we applied for my corporate credit card, booked my flight roundtrip, booked a hotel room, rental car, received travel insurance, got accepted for overtime and travel expenses, and applied for a clearance pass at Vandenberg through United Launch Alliance. Needless to say I was a bit overwhelmed, not to mention they were letting me leave at 12 pm to go home and pack.

I really had no clue what was really happening, but I followed orders and went home to wash clothes and pack. Luckily the dress as casual, so that made it easy. I was driven to the airport by one of my friends and I proceeded to Santa Barbara for a 2.5 week business trip to help support the Worldview I launch from Vandenberg. The entire trip itself was amazing. Normally someone as young as me (as far as time with company and position) doesn't get this chance, so I was very grateful. The one thing I had to get used to was that a launch operation is a continuous 24 hour process and I had work the 3rd shift from 12 am - 8 am every day. So things were a little backwards, but I still liked being out there. It was cool to be on an Air Force Base everyday next to the beach and to know that I'm contributing to the successful Sept. 18th launch of Worldview.

I took some pics and will upload them next week at some point. The experience as a whole was exhausting but well worth it. I saw another launch that wasn't ours at 3 am one night. I learned about another whole aspect of my job that hadn't been previously introduced to me and as usual I learned a crapload from all my co-workers and friends out there with me. It was kind of cool being in another place and basically having everything already paid for, even drinks. I didn't get to spend alot of free time due to me trying to sleep during the day, but I know I'll be back there in another year for the launch of Worldview II and this time, I'll be one of the main Test Engineers there for 2 months. All in all, even though the trip came as a surprise and I was really unprepared for it, I acclimated and got settled into the schedule. The entire trip seemed surreal because of the realization of my first official business trip. It made me feel good that my work was trusted enough and counted enough to be asked to come out and help support an aspect of the preparation for launch.

As I speak, they are only about another 2 weeks away from launch. Much like my time out here in Colorado has, my job is even capable (as I saw) of throwing curve balls out of the blue. I've learned to just go with it though and gain as much as I can from each experience thrown my way. I'm here to work and prove myself as a capable Test Engineer for my program, and with my mentor and other colleagues around me who are willing to guide and help me, my path through the workforce is still unknown, but not as dark anymore. Here are two pictures I took with my phone before I found out we could take regular pictures. This is the satellite sitting sideways on the Three-axis positioner or TAP. This week it is going through fueling and being put into the Delta II faring. This will be a Global Digital Imaging Satellite.



Here is a picture of the Delta II Launch Vehicle that Worldview I will be housed in for launch. They have a bunch of Launch Towers at Vandy, so this is one of them that just happened to have a Delta II on it...

So when do we buy books??

Sorry I haven't been in here in a bit, it's been a little crazy at work, as my entire department picked up and moved to a totally different building. This was my 2nd move in a month, but hopefully I'll be here for a bit.

I've gotten into the habit of going to the gym at 6 am now, which is awesome. While I was there today, I looked at the newspaper and there was a picture of a girl with like 7 textbooks at Univ. of Denver bookstore. They were talking about book prices (as they do this time every year). I wasn't as concerned about the article as I as with the picture. As everything has lately, it is slowly hitting me that I'm not returning to school, that this isn't an internship anymore and I don't have to worry about packing and leaving. Shouldn't I have realized this before now? Probably. But it's a bit different now. For 5 years, twice (or more) a year, I spent $400 - $650 on books for classes that we sometimes didn't even use. It became a ritual, and then a few days or after welcome week, we would start class and the settling back into the college lifestyle would begin again.

Now, it felt really odd that I don't have to worry about buying books. Honestly my brain was thrown off a bit. It had become so conditioned as a part of my life that now that I don't have to do it, my brain feels like something is wrong. Kind of related in a way, I got a call last week from my lead that I have a performance review coming up. Yeah....I've been here for like a month and some weeks, but I'm getting a review. Ok cool...no big deal. In my company's terms, with the internship time and now, as of this upcoming Sept. 30th, I will have been here for a year. So maybe that's the reason, but otherwise I'm not sure. With the notion of not having to buy books and this "review" coming up, my full-time lifestyle is setting. No longer will I be judged based on grades or projects or papers or will I cram in order to "show" that I know what I'm doing. Now I get a review and my performance is a reflection not only of just myself, but of my colleagues, my team, my department and the company itself. There is alot more riding on this now. At the same time, I don't have to worry about an "honor code" or anything of that nature. Now everyone works together and if you have a great idea and it works, people are happy to pass it on. They won't report me to my professor (boss) for copying like people do in college.

I guess this is all just another big part of my life. The last thing I'm dealing with is uncertainty. All throughout life, we were always conditioned to know what was coming next. From elementary to middle, from middle to high school, and from high school, hopefully to college. There was an order and even while in college, we had a syllabus to tell us what and when stuff was planned. Now, I go to work and do things that I know need to be done, but am not really sure of what will come or happen next. There is no exams to signify the end of the semester and to show that you're moving on. That part of my life now makes me a bit anxious because I have no idea what is going to happen (well, to a point), but I'm along for the ride and it's been good so far, so lets keep it going.

All in all, I guess that's just part of the transition from one point to the next. The uncertainty about the future and the adjustment of working for self to now working for a team, in addition to yourself.

I've missed this....

11 months. 11 months and 5 days since my last skydive. And pretty much the same amount of time since last being in the windtunnel either. As some of you may or may not know, skydiving is a VERY big part of my life and is a hobby that i deeply enjoy now. When I left Colorado last year at the end of August, I had the plan of getting back to Michigan and basically jumping my ass off at Tecumseh. At the end of last summer, I had achieved several objectives of mine. I had gone through water training (Water training is when we learn how to survive and get away from our rigs and canopies in case we land in water, either intentionally or unintentionally), I had received my B-License, which now lets me complete night jumps, hot air balloon jumps and water landings. (There are some Dropzone's which are right on the beach). So I was progressing nicely, or at least I thought. I had learned A TON of new shit from alot of my friends and done a bunch of new jumps and exits. I had racked up 3.5 hours in the wind tunnel and was now sit-flying. Basically, I was having the time of my life.

Well, upon getting back to school, money ran out. Time became non-existent as I entered my 5th and final year and the weather was (for the most part) shitty all the time and not jumpable conditions. I hung out with everyone at Tecumseh and missed jumping, but I knew it wasn't feasible. I was also trying to concentrate on securing a job, so that as taking alot of time as I was flying all fall semester to interviews.

Winter came (after about the middle of January) and left and the season opened up again. It's not been almost 7 months at this point since I've jumped. To make matters worse (in a sense) all my friends from Colorado keep emailing me awesome pictures from the Moab Boogie or other Boogies and parties that have been happening, or stuff from the tunnel. All I can do is look and be happy for them, but insanely jealous at the same time. Because I had no jumping and no windtunnel. It was ALWAYS cold and who knew when I would've been to jump again. Now in the skydiving world, depending on your license (there are 4 from A to D), if you let a certain amount of time pass without making a jump, you have to do what's called a "Recurrency Jump." Basically this means going out with an instructor and performing basic freefall and canopy maneuvers to make sure you can fly safely and not injure yourself or anyone else. For my license, the limit is 90 days and I knew I had passed that a long time ago, which sucks.

Well, at some point, a little bit after graduation, the weather became nice again and Tecumseh opened again. Pumped to finally be able to possibly jump, I go out and party with everyone and let them know that I'll be staying in Michigan for May and June to hang out before leaving. This didn't happen. After that party, I realized that by staying in Michigan, I would be spending money I didn't have and that I also had to worry about moving across country and trying to survive my first few weeks before my job started. So once again, I was unable to jump and moved back home to PA for awhile to say goodbye to all my friends and family.

Fast forward to this past weekend. A bunch (20 to be exact) of the interns from my job are going skydiving and I'm "sponsoring" them, so I get 10 free jumps out of the deal, which is nice. I then decide that this past weekend would be the weekend I would go and start again, as I was tired of being on the ground.....seriously. Now one thing that people in the skydiving world all know is that, the longer the time between jumps is, the more apprehension and doubt that builds. Basically, you start doubting your own skill (esp. if you're an early jumper). I was a little nervous, but couldn't figure out why. This is nothing new. One of my good friends and an amazing instructor and skydiver (Jimbo at Tecumseh) told me that, "The hardest jump you'll ever make is the first one after a long layoff." And he was exactly right.... After talking to all my friends who were doing tandems and waiting, I FINALLY got to go on the last load of the day. I was unable to use my free jumps towards my recurrency, so that sucked too.

I ask my friend Brady to do my recurrency and we go up in the plane after riding the trailer and after the gear check and i'm finally on the plane. But something was happening on the way up. As I watched the earth get further and further away and we ascended into the clouds, I couldn't help but smile. All the anxiety and apprehension had drained away. I look out of the door and was so happy to be back in the air and to be a skydiver. Brady could tell and he looked over and said "Welcome back to the air, bro."

The plane ride seemed to take forever and finally the yellow light went on and the door opened. There was a group in front of us going on a sunset tracking dive, so we were next after them. The green light went on, the first group went and Brady and I assumed our positions for the exit. I was in front of him on the outside of the plane holding the bar, I look back and he nods and I count off and let go.........
In that skydive, I fly down to him and dock and do the standard left 360 and right 360 and dock again. Then it was time to see if I still had it and have some fun. Brady went into a sit and I followed suit. After my legs went a little crazy, I rolled into my sit and was stable and stayed there. Holy shit!!! After a year, I can still do this!!!!
So excited I forgot to check my altitude and I see Brady pointing and I look and we're at 5.5 K, pretty much time to break off, so we break and I track away to the south.

Upon opening, the realization of why I do this and why I want to stay in this sport hit me. I had missed this so much and forgot what it felt like and how free you were. It is something I pride myself on being a part of, especially as one of the few black skydivers. From this point, I know I'm officially just beginning my journey as a skydiver. No more interruptions or having to wait for weather. No more having to miss out on boogies or cool shit because of money or school. It's gonna be awesome and its my goal to become an awesome Freeflyer*.

Anyways, I land and walk over to a trailer with another guy who jumped named JC. Brady says "Great skydive man!" and my friend Kartik asks me how it was, and I tell him, "Man I've missed this, but it feels good to be back."

Now that I have the windtunnel and here in CO they jump year round, I don't see myself becoming uncurrent anymore...in fact I'm gonna make sure. But i'm excited that I have a permanent place and I don't have to worry about leaving. Just another great realization that I'm on my own and this is my life now.

*Oh, if you like to see what sit-flying or freeflying is like, go here:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=64suH8U9Ros&mode=related&search=

A subtle realization

Edit: This is a long post...but bear with me, as alot was going through my head this weekend.

Now that I'm moving into 4th week of work and being here almost a month, things are starting to sink in very subtly and it's usually when I'm doing something completely unrelated. Well this past weekend, I got a chance to go rafting down the Royal Gorge (http://www.whitewater.net/images/shot_of_day_royalgorge.jpg) for the 4th time and in between rapids and looking around at the awesomeness of Colorado landscape, wheels started turning in my head.

Oh and I'll post pictures of our boat "maximizing the splash" and going through some of my favorite rapids such as Sunshine Falls, Sledgehammer, Wall Slammer, Spikebuck Rapids, Three Rocks (where I got thrown out), and Boat Eater.

Anyways, as I was saying, it is starting to sink in that I'm actually here and this is my life. Now yes, I've been here for a month and I should realize that, but certain things about it still don't seem real. My job for example, in essence, I still feel like I'm an intern and that I'll be leaving at the end of the summer. But while floating down the Arkansas River with adrenaline pumping at full blast, I realized that this is the real thing now. Yes, I know that careening down a river, going through Class IV and V rapids shouldn't really have you thinking about your life and work, etc., but in between the chaos and trying not to fall out (again), it gave me a chance to reflect on some stuff.

As an intern, during the past 3 summers previous, I was given certain projects and things and i was able to contribute to the programs I was working on with my colleagues. I had a sense of "I actually contributed" or "I was in charge of that area of testing." But, I never really had a thorough understanding of how my work went into the entire test phase and integration of the two spacecrafts as a whole. Now, being here as a full-time employee, the tables have turned a little bit. I am now (or at least people are referring to me) the EPDS Test Engineer. Basically what that means is that for the spacecraft that we are going to be building, integrating, and testing for the next year or so, I am in charge of the entire Electrical Power System. I am the "Power guy." I'm sure you're thinking or maybe not, but at least I thought, big deal right? It's just a title. It didn't really occur to me until this weekend what my position really means when I talked to the guy who is the I&T (Integration & Test) manager (and a good mentor to me). He told me that I am the person who knows not only the entire specifics of powering the spacecraft on and off, but I know where every signal goes, when it supposed to be there, the telemetry that comes out, how things move, etc, etc. I also learned that when our project launches, I'll be in California at Vandeburg AFB (I mentioned this earlier) as the front man running the power system.

Now why does this seem like a big deal? Well, I thought that only older or senior/project engineers would get to do this. I'm essentially the youngest person in the I&T group and to be put in charge of an entire subsystem of a spacecraft is huge. Anything that goes right or wrong with the power system is my responsibility. I am in charge of almost 6000W of power running through the spacecraft at any point in time and I have to know where that power is going to and if it is too much or too little. Every connection, every signal, every cable connector, and each piece of hardware that pertains to EPDS is my responsibility. So as my boat went powering through Sledgehammer rapid this past weekend, I realized this and said, "Wait...I'm in charge of what?!!?"

The point is, is that I am now a part of something much bigger than I ever thought I'd be a part of. (yeah i know I just ended a sentence with a preposition, sue me.) It's not just a "project" for school anymore where I get graded or if i don't do my part, then we get delayed a bit and get some points taken off. If I don't do my part, I will make not only myself look unreliable and not responsible, but even worse, I'll make my team and my manager and my company look bad to our customers. Without a properly running power & distribution system, our satellite is no more than a giant metal box with some cool shit attached to it.

Wow. This is big. I've never stepped down from a challenge though and I'm sure as hell not gonna start now. There will be ups and downs, but I'm ready for it. I'll keep everyone updated on the progress of it all too.

And off topic, out of 6 rafting trips, I have never been thrown off the boat until this weekend. It wasn't even in the middle of a rapid, it was after....in a calm shallow section when our boat hit a small rock and tossed me and my friend Pam, who was behind me, into the water.

This weekend was amazing! In one way, it was because I love rafting and the trip was sweet and the other in how it made me realize just how big and important my part is in relation to the project as a whole.

I'm excited to see what exactly the next year has in store for myself and my job.